BOOK THOUGHTS: CARPE MANANA

I first read Tom Wolfe's Bonfire of the Vanities when I was working for a TV movie production company. The book hadn't come out yet, and I read a cut-and-paste version of the story as it was serialized in Rolling Stone. Brilliantly written, it was a book that captured its moment with absolute precision.

Needless to say, I loved it. So when it came out in paperback, a year or so later, I ran out and bought a copy. And you know what? It was already, irrevocably passe. Still brilliantly written, it was now a historical document. Its time had passed.

That's how I feel about Leonard Sweet's Carpe Manana: Is Your Church Ready to Seize Tomorrow?, first published in 2000 and obviously sitting on my to-be-read list for a while. (And by the way, if I know how to make Blogger put the tilde over the first "n" in "Manana," believe me, I would. It's the Spanish word for "tomorrow," not a typo for "banana." Just so you know.)

Carpe Manana is an arrogant, snotty exercise in snobbery. Mr. Sweet's goal is to interpret the "digital" generation for those poor baby boomers who can't possibly deal with modern-day life on their own, without his oh-so-generously-wise help. He does this supposedly from a Christian perspective -- because without the benefit of the help of him and other cool dudes like him, the church is probably doomed.

To make his point, he divides the world into "Natives" and "Immigrants." "Natives" are those who are comfortable with the digital age. "Immigrants" are the fogeys who, well, don't get it. His books is written as a crash course in postmodern "naturalization" for the fogeys.

The very fabric of life, the very essence of reality, is changing all around us, he claims. Wow. Guess I must have stepped on a holodeck when I wasn't looking. 'Cause y'know, "Reality" sure seems the same to me.

Sweet rips on the church for being technophobic, for being incapable of addressing the "big" questions, for being "modern" instead of "postmodern." He, of course, is not technophobic, and seems rather smug about his ability to surf the web.

Sweet fills his book with innumerable random statistics and facts that supposedly make his point. He never bothers to connect most of them to his thesis. He also brandishes quotes, seemingly just to be cool and break up his pages visually, since he treats things that are profound when they're patently, well, ridiculous. "Fifty years from now," he quotes, "our grandchildren will look at early PCs and say, 'Isn't that funny, they thought computers should look like typewriters.'" (Um, dude... 50 years from now, our grandchildren will say, "What's a typewriter?")

Sweet also makes up words. Oh, how very cool he must be, to make up words, I think we're supposed to believe! "Chirograph." "Graphicacy."

One of the big evidences for how everything is new, brand new, completely changed, no going back is... wait for it... the New Economy. By which, of course, he means what we now refer to as the dotcom bust. Thanks to the Web, he intones, ... a small shopkeeper in Calcutta is equal in marketing power and scope to Coca-Cola. Um, sure it is. And he belittles that poor sap Warren Buffet for refusing to invest in the "new world." What an idiot. Poor Warren. --What? I see a hand. Yes? Oh, you say Warren Buffet survived the dotcom bust quite nicely? Oh, never mind.

Funny how a few years can totally change things. But it does seem to me that if you're writing a book about the future -- in essence a book of prophecy -- it'd be nice if what you said held up for more than, oh, two years.

Sweet questions the continuing nature of human existence itself. 19th-century Christians..., he states, assumed that the people opening the [time] capsule would look like them and be like them.... This is no longer a safe assumption. And: Are your children and mine the last to experience the true 'human condition'? Are our children's children destined to be posthuman? Are these questions a Christian should even have to think about before answering with a resounding 'NO'?

Sweet makes a big deal about the nonlinearity of postmodern life. Natives, he claims, think in nonlinear fashion. Linear thought is over! Done with!.... Um, dude, let's look at how you communicated that thought: In a linear fashion. Because *language* is linear. And that's not changing. (Language is also hierarchical -- anyone who wants to hear more about my ABD in linguistics, e-mail me -- but the end result is linearly expressed.) Storytelling is linear. *Time* -- as we mortals experience it -- is linear. Anyone think that's changing soon, you let me know. (And isn't "soon" a linear concept?)

Sweet actually has a few decent things to say about the ascendancy of image over word -- though he does so with shocking historical ignorance. (Um, let's talk about the 1900 years or so A.D. when most of the people in the 'civilized' world couldn't read. Let's talk about the reason for icons and stained glass windows. The concept of "image" isn't quite as new as Mr. Sweet would like to believe.)

Okay, I've gone on quite the rant here, I realize. But I've sort of had it with people who use "postmodernity" as a code for "I'm cool, you're not, and you're going to have to spend money on my book/DVD/seminar if you want to be as remotely cool as I am, which of course isn't possible."

People are people. Human nature is human nature. The one *real* change in human nature took place in pre-history, in a place known as Eden. The smug attitude pervading Sweet's book should not be coming from anyone purporting to be a Christian. We are all sinners in need of grace. We may dress differently, we may speak different languages, we may have cultural differences. But none of them matter in the end.

The last thing we need is one more way to divide our world into "us" vs. "them." Stop it, already! In my (not-so-) humble opinion, Mr. Sweet has already discredited himself enough. No need for me to go on.

In closing, I've got a quote for Mr. Sweet to add to his interminable list: Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Oh no. Poor Guy. How is He ever gonna communicate to the "natives"?

HONORING THE MYTH

I have been asked to speak on a panel at the City of the Angels Film Festival next month. And I already know I am going to rub a lot of fur the wrong way.

The theme of the festival this year is "Reel Myth." I'm speaking on a panel about The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring -- the movie, not the book. And therein lies the rub.

Because my personal feeling is that, where the mythic elements of the book were concerned, the movie spit all over the book.

Like I said, not likely to be a popular opinion.

You have to realize that The Lord of the Rings is one of the most important books in my life. I am not sure I would be a Christian today had I not read the books at the age of 14. So when a director/screenwriter pays as little respect to the mythic foundation of the book as did Peter Jackson... well, let's just say you wouldn't have wanted to sit next to me at the movie. ("No! That's not right!" you would have heard me mutter. Repeatedly.)

I have a lot of work to do to figure out exactly what I'm going to say -- unfortunately, some of it will probably mean I have to watch the movie again. I know I'll want to bring up the utter trashing of Aragorn's past and destiny, and the shabby treatment of the Sword-that-was-Broken. I know I'll want to talk about Tolkien's intention, in writing the books, to create a national myth for England. I know I'll want to dig up the Peter Jackson "not an ounce" quote (When asked how much concern he had to preserve the Christian themes of the books, that was his reply).

So, as I work it through, feel free to jump on me and tell me what an idiot I am. Or to chime in with some useful ideas to help me stand fast against the onslaught of film groupies who will be out for (my) blood.

Either it's gonna be fun, or I'm gonna regret ever having said yes.

"STRANGERS ON MY FLIGHT"

Okay, don't be offended. Just enjoy this politically incorrect offering from "Frank": "Strangers on my Flight."

BOOK THOUGHTS: EATS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.

When was the last time you laughed out loud while reading a book about punctuation? What? "Never," you say? Well, if you want that first-time experience, pick up a copy of Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves is, shockingly, a runaway #1 bestseller in Britain, where one can only imagine scores of people sneaking out at night, permanent markets in hand, to correct badly-punctuated signs such as the ones Truss quotes throughout her book: "Please return the trolley's" (the trolley's what? Truss asks)... "Ladie's hairdresser" ... "No dogs please" (Truss points out that actually many dogs spend much of their lives pleasing) ... and (shame on Warner Brothers for releasing such an unpunctuated movie title) Two Weeks Notice.

Truss's overall point is that punctuation serves to make communication clearer. She hands out several very funny examples, including the following on the importance of the comma: A friend of mine who runs a Shakespeare reading group in New England tells a delightful story of a chap playing Duncan in Macbeth who listened with appropriate pity and concern while the wounded soldier in Act I gave his account of the battle, and then cheerfully called out, "Go get him, surgeons!" (It's supposed to be "Go, get him surgeons.")

I won't ruin her punchlines for you by overquoting from the book. Suffice it to say she has charming chapters on the apostrophe, the comma, the colon and semi-colon, the dash, the hyphen, and others. The book is a fast read, and a thoroughly enjoyable one.

And speaking of the apostrophe: Every summer I confront the Act One students about the importance of spelling and punctuating their scripts correctly so they don't look like flaming idiots and cause me to dump their scripts in the wastebasket without even bothering to remove the brads. And every year, I read at least a dozen students who can't tell its from it's.

Here's what Ms. Truss has to say about that: The confusion of the possessive "its" (no apostrophe) with the contractive "it's" (with apostrophe) is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a simple Pavlovian "kill" response in the average stickler. The rule is: the word "it's" (with apostrophe) stands for "it is" or "it has." If the word does not stand for "it is" or "it has" then what you require is "its." This is extremely easy to grasp. Getting your itss mixed up is the greatestn solecism in the world of punctuation. No matter that you have a Ph.D. and have read all of Henry James twice. If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best," you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot, and buried in an unmarked grave.

Ah, that felt good.

For all who care -- really care about the niceties of the English language, Ms. Truss's book is a delight -- and an emboldener. Just this weekend, as I read along with the song lyrics projected during our worship service, I winced in pain at the spelling "crucifiction" (as well as several misplaced apostrophes) -- a spelling one can imagine being used by the type of heretic who denies that Jesus ever lived.

Normally, I would have left my reaction at the wince. But, made brave by Eats, Shoots and Leaves, I tracked down the leader of the worship band after the service and (gasp!) told him about the mistake (I believe I may even have used the word "illiterate"). And he promised to fix it.

Thank you, Lynne! (May I call you Lynne?) Preach it, sister!

A DEPOSIT IN THE FAVOR BANK

I got a phone call the other day from an old college roommate. We were great friends in college, she was one of my bridesmaids, but she moved halfway across the country. While we didn't exactly lose touch, our communication over the last 10 years or so has been limited to Christmas letters.

And there she was on my voicemail.

Her voice didn't have that "bad news" sound. And while she didn't say why she was calling, I know. Instantly. I knew.

I had breakfast the next morning with a friend, mentioned I'd gotten this call. "Uh-oh," she said. "You know what's coming. She's written a script."

"No," I said. "But she's got kids. College age kids."

And wouldn't you know it -- I was right.

When we connected, sure enough -- Her son wants to go into the entertainment industry. He wants to be a director. (He'll probably change his mind on that.) He moved out here a week ago, is staying with his uncle. But now what? How does he get a job? What kind of job? Should he go to film school? Where? .... And (with a nervous giggle) would it be okay if he called me and asked my advice?

Well, of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be okay? I told her to give him my number. We'll talk, I'll get him plugged in to a church, I'll introduce him to some people who can probably give him better advice than I can.

Not a big deal, right? .... Except, to my astonishment, it is.

All through the industry there are people -- in my sad experience, most often Christians -- who *won't* give the hand up, the word of advice. Because, after all, there are only so many jobs in the industry (and fewer every day!), and if I help you, you might take *my* job. And my contacts are *my* contacts, too precious to share with the likes of you!

Now, this is not the way the whole industry functions. The "gay mafia" (which of course doesn't exist because we've been told it doesn't exist) takes care of each other quite well. Alums from various colleges do a great job of looking out for one another. But in the Christian community? Well, more than there used to be but still, not so much.

It shouldn't be a big deal to spend a couple hours with a kid fresh off the farm (literally, in this case). And I can't pat my own back here -- were he not the son of a college roomie, were he some stranger who got my phone number somehow, would I give him the same time? Probably not.

But it's important for us, as Christians in the industry, to open our hearts and our Rolodexes to new Christians coming to Hollywood. Sometimes they won't like what we tell them. Sometimes we'll tell them, in all kindness and grace, to go home.

But we have to do it. Making ourselves available to the newbies is one way of making a deposit in the Favor Bank, a concept Tom Wolfe introduced in The Bonfire of the Vanities. The concept isn't: You do a favor for me, I'll do one for you. Instead, it's that each favor you do for someone goes into this mythical Bank, and if you make enough of them, when you need a favor, you'll have credit to draw on.

It's a great concept, and one Christians would do well to drill into their minds here in Hollywood.

I work hard at keeping my Favor Bank bottom line in the black. I try to deposit far more than I draw out (in fact, I'm really bad at asking favors, so probably my bottom line is pretty good). It seems only the right thing to do.

So in a few days I'll sit down with a 20-year-old wannabe and probe *why* he thinks he wants to be a director, and make a date to meet him at church, and give him a dozen phone numbers, and call ahead so the people on the other end of those numbers know who he is when he calls. And then I'll call his mom and tell her I'm trying to keep an eye on her kid.

There's no payoff for doing any of this. All I can do is hope that, as other Christians get the concept of taking care of each other, when I need a favor (if I have the nerve to ask for it!), someone will step up. And their bottom line will go up as mine shrinks. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

HOW I WOULD WIN THE AMAZING RACE

Last night was the season finale on double-Emmy-winning The Amazing Race, pretty much my favorite "must see" show of the last couple seasons.

If you *haven't* watched it: The Amazing Race is a race around the world, with a $1 million prize. During each leg of the race, the contestants have to follow clues and accomplish tasks (climbing cliffs, winning at roulette, bungee jumping, making bricks, eating disgusting food -- live octopus, massive amounts of caviar, etc.). The last team of two to arrive at the "pit stop" at each leg of the race is generally eliminated.

I wasn't that thrilled with the winners this season. I would much have preferred Brandon and Nicole to win -- who wouldn't love a Christian guy who prays on camera, takes such good care of his girlfriend, reads the Bible on airplanes, gives the credit to God -- and, oh yeah, is a totally steamy hottie on top of it all.

But with The Amazing Race, unlike with other reality shows like American Idol and even Survivor, who wins is really secondary. It's the process, the experience, that matters.

This season on The Amazing Race, we went to Uruguay, Argentina, Russia, Egypt, Tanzania, Dubai, India, New Zealand, the Philippines, and Canada. Six continents, 72,000 miles. No wonder they won the Emmy over one location shows like American Idol and Last Comic Standing! They sure had the location managers' votes!

After every episode, Lee and I strategize: How would we have played the leg of the trip differently? And we did indeed toy with auditioning for next season -- but found out we'd have 3 days to get our audition video in on time, so scratched that.

Here, however, are our thoughts on what we'd do to get the edge on The Amazing Race:

----Work out every day for 2 to 3 hours for the month or two leading up to the race. So often the winner of a leg comes down to who can outrun another team to get to a plane, a taxi, etc.

----Carry a compass. Wear it as a ring, a necklace.

----Carry enough socks and underwear for the entire month, and throw 'em away once you've used them (to make the pack lighter). When in watery locations, wear swimsuits as underwear (the faster to strip down and get into the river/ocean/kayak, etc.).

----Shipping stuff home, as Brandon/Nicole and Colin/Christie tried to do last night, is a good idea, but didn't they know you have to travel with your bags once you've checked them? (After all, you could be the person who checked the bomb, then changed flights.) Instead, ship stuff home thru the airport equivalent of a MailBoxes Etc. if possible.

----*Always* choose the first option on the Detours. It's always the faster, even if the scarier. For instance, on last night's episode, it was idiotic for Brandon and Nicole to choose to ride a slalom course on a bike rather than riding a 2-man luge. You can tell right away which will be faster (and easier, in this case).

----Use down time in airports to good advantage. You can sleep on the plane. Use the airport time to buy a guide book for every location you know you're going to. Buy maps. Lots of maps. And study them every chance you get. Then throw them away once you've moved on to another country.

----Lee does all the challenges involving upper-body strength. I do all the navigating. (If I know where north is, it's very hard for me to get lost.)

----Learn how to say "Faster, faster!" "We're in a race around the world," "Pass that car, please," and "Thank you" in all the potential languages: Arabic, Hindi (they *always* go to India), Japanese, Russian, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Swahili...

----An idea swiped from Colin and Christie last night: Call ahead and order a taxi to be waiting when you get off the plane. And tell them you want the fastest driver they've got.

----Be nice to all other teams. The idea of "alliances" in a race is just stupid: It's not about being political to keep from getting "voted off the island." It's about being first.

----Carry: Earplugs. Sleeping blindfold. One of those Australian outback hats that can go thru a hurricane. A couple of throwaway rain ponchos. Moleskin and other stuff to pamper your feet. Every kind of tummy-malady medicine you can think of. A book of maps of the major cities of the world. Neck pillow. A deck of cards.

----An idea swiped from the Cha-Cha-Chas on season 3 (?): Concierges know everything about their cities. If you're in a major city with major hotels, ask the concierges for help.

What ideas are we missing? Fill us in!

Okay, I think we're ready for The Amazing Race... Now if we can just get up the nerve to apply....

TV THOUGHTS: THE EMMYS

A few thoughts on the Emmy Awards Sunday night....

----Was Garry Shandling Botoxed out of his skin or what? The guy couldn't move his forehead. Heck, he could barely move his mouth! Really sort of painful to watch.

----We have never been to the WGA Awards, but everyone always says they're the most fun awards show in town. And the speeches at every other awards show make it clear why: Writers have something to say! Best speech on Sunday definitely goes to Mitchell Hurwitz, writer of Arrested Development. I loved his reaction to the orchestra starting to play him off: Saying he could just start singing his speech. (And the fact that Meryl Streep picked up on the idea later and *did* start singing her speech just shows that a good actress knows a good line when she hears it.)

----I was in a discussion a few weeks ago with people (most of whom hadn't seen the whole miniseries, or even any of it) deriding Angels in America. Well, I didn't see the miniseries -- partly because I know how hard it would be to get through it. Because I *did* see the play, when it first came out. And it was devastating. Powerful. And even more so because we were that much closer in time to the period when AIDS was the "gay plague," with no one really knowing what was going on (the period of time in which my best friend from high school died of AIDS). So while I can't comment directly on the miniseries, I will say that just because you don't agree with the political or spiritual themes or presuppositions of a work of art doesn't mean it can't be a great work of art.

----Garry Shandling's best line of the evening: The one about seeing a commercial and saying, "At last! Actors performing in a real story!"

----And speaking of reality shows: I was so happy The Amazing Race won its second Emmy! Just the production challenges alone (12 countries in 30 days!!) earn it the Emmy, in my opinion! The season finale is tonight (go, Brandon and Nicole!), and I hope you've all started watching (or will watch when the new season starts on, I believe, Oct. 2). The best reality show on TV!

----Some actors should be a little embarrassed by the "real" people they blindfolded and brought on to present the reality Emmy. Two non-actors, who looked pretty good, and gee, managed to read the names of the nominees without mispronouncing or looking stupid. Even the girl's flusteriness was less that what we've seen from some Best Actress winners. You think actors are afraid of reality TV now? What happens if we don't even need them for awards show presenters?!

----The truly most important element of the evening (as James Spader recognized in his speech): The clothes. My personal winners (in alpha order): Teri Hatcher, our beloved Patty Heaton (okay, I'm biased, but she looked lovely), and Sharon Stone.

Okay, last season's out of the way. Now let's hope there's something worth watching this season!

BOOK THOUGHTS: THE CALL OF THE MALL

I have spent a lot of my life in the mall. As a teenager, I walked with my girlfriends to Southern California's original shopping center (not technically a "mall" because it didn't have a roof -- yet) two or three times a week. We'd make the same loop through the exact same stores, looking over the exact same merchandise (and rarely buying), and feel we had had a full day.

Even now, my whole family makes a 50-mile pilgrimage, as it were, to the best mall I've ever been to, South Coast Plaz, for a meticulously planned-and-strategized Christmas shop every year. (I heard they've just decided to change the name of the mall to "South Coast Shopping Resort." Okay, that's a bit much. Accurate, perhaps, but a bit much.)

So I knew I wanted to read Paco Underhill's The Call of the Mall as soon as I saw it mentioned somewhere.

Underhill calls himself a "retail anthropologist," and The Call of the Mall is basically a study of the geography of the mall, and how it works against itself in terms of getting people to actually spend money. It's written in a fun, breezy fashion, easy and fast to read. The conceit is that we're going along with Underhill on a trip to the mall, so we work our way in from the parking lot, then through the mall with stops at the food court, the restrooms, etc.

Underhill has dozens of smart, why-didn't-I-think-of-that ideas throughout the book. For instance, why don't the bed-and-bath retailers in the mall stock the bathrooms? Why aren't there ads for stores or sales on the inside of the bathroom stalls, to give the captive audience something to read?

I'll focus here, though, on his thoughts on mall movie theatres, since that's the intersection of his world and mine.

Underhill has great suggestions here, too.

---A running scroll of movie showtimes should be posted in locations throughout the mall to remind the shoppers there's a movie theatre here (hey, a place to sit down!), give the shoppers information (what movies are playing), and make it easy to catch the show.

---Apparently large numbers of people viewing movies at malls (as opposed to stand-alone movie theatres) just decide to go to the movies without having pre-chosen their movie. There should be monitors showing trailers -- not of coming attractions, but of the movies actually playing in the theatres, to help people decide. Or to help people make a second choice if their movie is sold out. After all (as Underhill points out, but a fact well-known to folks in the movie promotion biz), the movie trailer is one of the most brilliant pieces of advertising ever invented: A piece of advertising that people willingly watch and don't want to miss.

---Inside the theatre, Underhill has some things to say about the concession line. As we know, exhibitors make their profit on concessions, not on movie admissions. But Underhill points out that 11% of people step out of line without buying anything -- evidently this is an enormously high step-out-of-line percentage compared to other shopping lines. What can be done to move those lines along? (Some newer theatres now have fill-your-own-beverage stands, and that seems to help.)

---Underhill also points out that the average person arrives 18 minutes early for a movie -- and that this is an eternity in shopping terms. But there's nothing for them to buy during that time! Why not, he suggests, set up mobile displays of merchandise related to the movies being shown or recently shown -- branded stuff (t-shirts, toys, etc.), as well as soundtracks, DVDs, etc. I have to say, I think impulse buys of DVDs inside a movie theatre could be very profitable indeed.

These are all great ideas. (And here's one of my own: On that electronic movie list at the box office, post how full the theatres are when they're close to sold out.)

Underhill has similar ideas for the food courts, for clothing display, for cosmetics and perfume counters, for what to do with men in a mall... If retailers would pay attention, the mall experience could be a vastly different thing for us all.

A fun read. Recommended for anyone who's ever done any recreational shopping. (And I'm already seeing a new career track for Sabrina, my 7-year-old future recreational shopper...)

WHY SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD TO LIVE

...Because some schools get Rosh Hashanah off, and if you're not Jewish, it's a free day in the middle of the week.

...Because we have an embarrassing choice of world class beaches within an hour's drive (Okay, within 5 minutes drive... but we chose one that's an hour away).

...Because it's 77 degrees at the beach in late September.

...With water temperatures of 74 degrees.

...Because every child should learn to swim in the ocean (not in some wussy tideless pool or lake).

...Boogie boarding!

...Because the real estate by the ocean is so spectacularly beautiful, and you can stroll along and decide that, really, some of these $4 million homes really wouldn't suit your needs at all.

...Because of the smell of the salty, kelpy, sandy air.

...Because of the sandpipers and the pelicans (and even the seagulls, who steal your KFC right out of the box, which is inside a bag, while you're not looking).

...Because when your kid starts digging the biggest hole in the world, other kids come over and ask politely if they can play too.

...Because you can dig sand crabs right out of the sand and try to scare your mom with them (but she doesn't scare so easy!).

...Because despite all the 35 SPF sunscreen, your kids are developing golden tans that defy heredity.

...Because your daughter looks so cute in her little bikini.

...Because your son actually caught a 5-foot wave and rode it all the way in to shore without falling off his board.

...Because of the sheer timelessness of sitting on a beach as the tide creeps in and out and the sun slowly moves toward magic hour and the sailboats glide across the bay.

...Because of stopping for Balboa Bars on the way home, knowing that you're entitled to eat them without looking like groupies of The O.C. because you actually lived on Balboa Island for two years way back when no one even knew it existed.

...Because even on the Southern California freeways, it only takes an hour and 10 minutes to get home, and you make it just in time for the first episode of the new season of Survivor...

And now you know how we spent our Rosh Hashanah. Happy New Year, all.

A SEAL OF DISAPPROVAL

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors, in its cowardice, has voted to change the official County Seal. They are doing this not in response to a lawsuit by the ACLU, but in response to a threat of a lawsuit.

Now, this is not a post slamming the ACLU. Remember, I have no desire to be political here. And the ACLU, despite its being easily and often demonized, does have a (partial) history of standing up for things that were unpopular and right -- racial equality, rights for the disabled, etc.

But they also have a history of not knowing always right from wrong, and sometimes, of just being plain stupid.

As in this case.

What's so offensive about the County Seal? (And why would anyone care?)

It seems the Seal contained that most offensive of symbols: a cross. Said cross was situated above the depiction of the Hollywood Bowl on the seal (and there is, in fact, a lighted cross on the hill above the Hollywood Bowl -- a matter of civic controversy itself in days gone by). God forbid we should depict an actual landmark!

So, in their great fear of a non-existent lawsuit from the ACLU, the Board of Supervisors voted to remove the cross. But they couldn't stop there!

Seems someone pointed out to them that the robed woman holding a basket of fruit was actually Pomona, the ancient goddess of fruit. Clearly offensive to any and all who don't believe in ancient goddesses. (Not that anyone, probably including the Supervisors, could have ID'd her as Pomona before the controversy.)

Pomona has been replaced by a rather subservient looking Native American woman holding out a bowl of something-or-other. Someone's gonna complain about that.

And to reflect the fact that California's history is, in fact, steeped in Christianity, a picture of the San Gabriel Mission has been added to the seal. But -- get this -- they took the cross off the top of the mission!

Now I've lived in California all my life. I've visited missions, written my grade school reports on missions, built them out of bread-dough-clay. And I've never seen a mission without a cross on top.

Frankly, the picture on the seal looks like a 2-story Taco Bell.

The Board of Supervisors also got rid of the depiction of oil derricks (Why? L.A. County wouldn't exist without oil).

They kept a few things. They kept the cow (Why? When I was a kid, L.A. was full of dairy farms. I wouldn't know where to look for one now.). They kept the Spanish galleon. They kept the tuna fish. (Are they crazy? Don't they know the fish is an ancient symbol of Christianity? Have we really managed to keep that one secret for 2000 years?!)

It's still not clear to me whose civil liberties are being in fringed by the presence of a cross (as a depiction of historical accuracy) on the County Seal.

But think of the millions of dollars involved in changing every thing with the County Seal on it. Every piece of stationery. Every county courtroom. Every county sheriff's car.

Last time I looked, L.A. County needed money rather strongly for a few other items. Like keeping hospitals open. Like helping the homeless. Seems to me a lot of people's real civil liberties will be infringed upon as the Board of Supervisors falls all over themselves to spend money on new rubber stamps and embossing. Didn't anyone even crunch the numbers to see if it would have been cheaper just to face the ACLU lawsuit (if it indeed ever became more than a threat)?

Okay, maybe I've strayed a little too close to politics here. But please. This isn't politics.

This is just plain stupidity.

PARADIGM SHIFT.... 9/11/01

I listened to some of the 9/11 commemoration today on the radio, but didn't spend a lot of time on it. Didn't go to a memorial. Didn't watch any on TV.

But two years ago, on the one-year anniversary of 9/11, I sat and watched the memorials on TV non-stop. And cried non-stop.

And Cory, who was only 8 at the time, was bored stiff. He wanted to watch "SpongeBob." He didn't want to watch buildings collapsing again -- and again -- and again.

I tried to explain to him -- 9/11 was a tragic, important day, a day that had to be commemorated, and the first anniversary was a time for people to grieve, to try to understand, to honor the dead.

"So," he said, with a glimmer of hope that it would all be over soon, "they'll stop doing this as soon as the next terrorist attack happens?"

And I heard the presupposition. One I could never have uttered -- or thought -- at the age of eight.

And I cried some more.

MEMORY AND MULTI-TASKING

I will do anything for a free lunch.

So earlier this summer, when our pastor offered a challenge -- Memorize four of the five Psalms he was preaching on during the summer and he'd take you out to lunch -- I knew I would take him up on it.

The Psalms we were supposed to memorize were: 1, 8, 23, 73 and 139. (And let's face it, the 23rd Psalm was sort of a gimme on that list). I couldn't get my mind to hang on to Psalm 73, so I memorized the other four.

And this week, I joined the other half a dozen or so folks who finished their memorizing and got my free chicken cacciatore pasta.

(I was sort of shocked that so few -- out of a church of 2000! -- made it through the challenge -- but Pastor Mark said he was actually encouraged, because so many tried and maybe got one or two memorized. Half empty, half full, I guess.)

While we ate, we recited our Psalms and talked about our memory tricks -- and it put me in mind of a fascinating article I read a month or so ago. (Sorry I didn't save it and can't give you, as it were, chapter and verse on the exact reference.)

Seems a neurology researcher in (I think) Norway or Sweden wanted to look at the effect of menopausal hormones on memory. He saw all these middle-aged women complaining about memory loss, and figured there must be a chemical explanation.

So he studied the women -- memory tests, hormone levels, etc. And he came to a conclusion that absolutely shocked him.

These women, the researcher announced, had no memory problems whatsoever. None. In fact, their memories were fantastic.

The problem was, they were trying to hold in their minds waaaay more than any one brain could be expected to handle at any one time. What they viewed as failure, the researcher pointed out, were actually prodigious feats of memory accomplishment.

Draw your own conclusions from this -- the demands of our fast-paced world, how unforgiving we can be of ourselves, etc. All I can say is, I found it fascinating, and thought you might, too.

(Now if only I could remember where I read the article...!)

CONFESSIONS OF A JEOPARDY LOSER

I was a contestant on Jeopardy many (many!) years ago. And I lost.

I was still at UCLA at the time. A mere student, not the trivia-loaded-down maven I have since become. So I lost.

I didn't realize you should study for Jeopardy, prep for it like you were taking a midterm. U.S. Presidents. Bodies of water. State capitals. I just walked in with what I already know. And as a result... well, you know. (Can you tell it still bothers me?)

So I am fascinated watching the (as of last night) 40-win streak of Ken Jennings, the mild-mannered Mormon geek with the different signature every night. $1.3 million+ and counting.

He knows a lot, to be sure. He certainly studied his U.S. Presidents, his state capitals. But, from experience, let me tell you: Knowing the answer doesn't mean you'll get the answer. You have to first win the right to say the answer by buzzing in. Too fast, you're locked out. Too slow, someone beats you to it.

And Ken has an amazing trigger finger when it comes to hitting the button at exactly the right moment. It's really impressive.

I can't decide who to root for at this point. I love seeing him win, amazed at all the stuff he knows (or guesses -- and he's a very smart guesser). But come on -- someone out there has to be able to beat him! Right?

I also love it that so many people are paying attention to what is easily the toughest game show on TV. The "coolness" factor of being smart has edged upward just a smidge -- and I'm always happy to see that happen!

In the meantime, I'll keep trying to keep up with Ken every night... And at home, we'll keep compiling our list of "great Jeopardy questions that they shouldn't ask until I get to go back on the show": What is the first line of Gone with the Wind? Who invented the harmonica? What song and album of the same name won 'Best Song' and 'Best Album' Grammys in consecutive years?

(Feel free to add to our list!)

ANGEL IN THE WATERS

My mom doesn't really understand all this screenwriting stuff and frankly, I don't think she's all that impressed. Real writers, in her mind, write books.

So I think faithful blog reader Regina Doman's mom must be proud indeed. Regina sent me some info on her upcoming children's/gift book (at least that's how I'm thinking of it -- order a dozen for all those baby showers), and I thought you'd all like to check it out. The illustrations look beautiful indeed!

Here's Regina:

Just wanted to let you know I'm getting a children's book published!

You can see it on this website link below. It's called Angel in the Waters and I'm letting everyone know about it now because the website for the book is fully functioning, even though the book won't be available until Christmas.

It's a gentle, beautifully-illustrated book about a baby in its mother's womb who is wondering about the outside world, and his friendship with his guardian angel. You can see the baby developing and growing in the womb, and the story follows him from conception through birth. I wrote it for kids whose mom is expecting a new baby...

The publisher, Sophia Institute Press, is so excited about the illustrations (and so am I), so they have decided to put the entire book online so that people can read it.... By the time the book comes out, all of the pictures will be up. Go and check it out for yourself!

EMBROIDERY

I am not much of a 'crafts' person (as proven by the fact that I do not own a hot glue gun). But since I was in grade school, I have done embroidery. Always as gifts -- I don't think I've kept a single thing I've made. But a couple of years ago I decided to start embroidering for myself and for my family.

So I have been working my way (sloooowly) through a series of Frank Lloyd Wright inspired pieces. You can see some of them here. No one's seen any of them but my family, because I just haven't gotten around to having any of them stretched and framed yet. But eventually I'll get them all hung and they will be lovely indeed.

Anyway, I finished my most recent one this week. And as I was clipping off the loose threads on the back, I thought about the much-quoted analogy (where did it come from, anyway? Corrie ten Boom maybe?): Our life is like a tapestry or piece of embroidery, but we only see the back of it, where it's all a mess, the threads are hanging loose, we can't see the pattern, etc. And someday God will flip it over and we will see the beautiful picture he was designing all along.

It's a lovely analogy, I think. But as I clipped threads, I realized it goes further than it's usually taken. Because it's not just that we don't see the other side.

The point is, we wouldn't have the other side -- the beautiful, geometric design -- without the mess. The mess -- which we would never want to display in public! -- is what allows the beauty to exist.

I look at my husband. Sometimes I can talk to him for several minutes and then realize that he didn't hear a word I was saying. His mind was off in some other world, writing a story, writing a song, coming up with a joke on something I said five minutes ago. It drives me crazy. And not just me.

But I know good and well that drifting off into another world is what enables him to be the writer that he is. I don't get that side without also having to endure the not-listening side.

How many things do I not like about myself that are, in fact, necessary to support the things I greatly (and gratefully) value? How many things that are good about me are the necessary result of experiences that I would never want to relive, that I wouldn't want out there in public? I'm not going all yin and yang on you here, but I think there's a truth to this.

So I'm off to choose my next piece of embroidery (and if you clicked on the link, feel free to cast a vote). I'll spend many months creating an absolute mess -- and when I flip it over, there will be a thing of beauty. And they'll be one and the same thing.

Wishing you all messy beauty in your lives!

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

I don't know if y'all have been noticing, but on the lefthand sidebar of this blog, I have a "Quote of the Month" which changes, well, monthly.

I bring it to your attention because, frankly, I don't read the "boilerplate" stuff on most people's blogs, but didn't want you to miss it. If you have missed it, you've missed quotes from Gustav Flaubert, Mark Twain, Peter Guber, G.K. Chesteron, Dallas Willard, and others. (Wouldn't it be fun to get that gang together in a room?!)

This month's quote is chosen in honor (a dubious choice of words, but I can't think of a good synonym) of the upcoming elections. I staunchly avoid, and will continue to avoid, all political discussion on this blog. I am just sick of the way we are all forcibly divided by politics these days rather than united. So please don't take this as your cue to start a political discussion! (All other comments welcome, as always!)

The quote points, I hope, to the overall focus on spin rather than reason. A sad time when that's the case.

Okay, all politics over. Apply the quote to whatever you find appropriate in your life!

THE END OF SUMMER

I like taking stock of things at regular intervals. I'm big on New Year's resolutions. I sit down at the beginning of every month and make a "For this I am thankful..." list of all the good things that happened the month before.

And as summer rolls to an end, I'm able to look back at the summer as a whole in a way I haven't before, because of a list we all made the day after school let out. (I do love lists. Can you tell?)

Because we knew it would be what we were euphemistically calling a "quiet" summer (i.e., no major vacations or camps), we all went out to breakfast the first day of summer vacation and made a giant list: Things To Do During Summer Vacation. Divided into two parts: At home and away from home.

So, at the risk of boring you to death, I am going to evaluate the summer online. (And if you're bored, just come back tomorrow... I have stuff to write about the nature of change, about good books coming out, and more.)

This summer we wanted to play games as a family. We played Battleship, poker (Sabrina is a wicked poker player at the age of 7!), Survivor (yes, there's a game; and yes, we are cheesy enough to have bought it), Chutes and Ladders, Cranium, and Clue. We also played (off list) an enormous amount of Uno. We missed a few games on the list, but don't feel their loss, frankly (not with all that Uno!).

We wanted to cook as a family. But we didn't do much. We made chili together, made pumpkin milkshakes. But the kids turned out to really prefer it if mom or dad does the cooking and just serves it up to them.

We wanted to read as a family. We have read all 5 of the "Harry Potter" books out loud together. And we started "Lord of the Rings" this Christmas. But somehow it's just a much tougher read. We're not quite to the end of "Fellowship of the Ring," and it sort of feels like treading uphill. (And I am saying this, with surprise and sorrow, about my favorite books in the world.) I guess we'll keep going. And at least the kids got all their required summer reading done (with only one book report still to write!).

We wanted to be creative. And while we did draw pictures, play the piano, sing and practice (interminably) for the Family Camp Talent Show, somehow we did not manage to make Cory's movie, draw any comic books, draw any pictures on the computer, or write any stories. Sigh. (But we did do several scavenger hunts...)

We wanted to accomplish certain projects. But gee, somehow the projects that Mom wanted to accomplish sort of didn't happen. We didn't sort our old books or toys or clothes to give them away, we didn't clean out the garage, we didn't rearrange our rooms. But thank goodness, we did manage to build many forts! (And we also got the cars washed several times, and cleaned out our treehouse. Whew!)

We wanted to throw several parties. We wanted to have barbecues. We wanted to host a good-bye tea party for Sabrina's good friend Katie, who moved to Pittsburgh in August. We wanted to have game nights: "Survivor," bingo, whatever. ...Sadly, we did next to none of these. Not in a party mood this summer, I guess. A couple of barbecues. One game night. No good-bye to Katie.

We wanted to play outdoors. And we played jai alai, we scootered, we swam, and we rode bikes. Our list was much longer, but frankly, I didn't believe most of it when the kids insisted on writing it down. Our main accomplishment here: Sabrina finally rides a bike (well) w/o training wheels.

We wanted to do crafts and science experiments. Again, not so much: Cory built several awesome Legos. Sabrina painted some marbles. But the robot building, and the woodburning, and the necklaces and the toe rings and the sock puppets... Well, I guess they'll have to wait for a rainy day. (But this is California. In a drought.)

We wanted to have playdates, and we sure managed that: Casey and Katie and Max and Carly and Yu-Shien and Benjamin and Anastasia and Troy and Hailey and Kallista and Kevin and Isabel.... A lot more we would have liked to add to that list, of course. And let me comment: How weird a world do we live in when kids have to schedule playdates like meetings! Sigh....

We wanted to go on outings. And we did go miniature golfing (Mom whupped everyone on every game, thank you very much!), and to the movies, and to the arcade, and to the beach, and to the library, and to play computer games at the Apple Store, and to the playgrounds at several McDonalds. And we managed a day in San Diego that was lovely.

But here's where we really blew it. We didn't go shopping at the jewelry store (guess who put that on the list!). We didn't go hiking. We didn't go bowling. And we didn't do any of the "big" excursions we talked about -- The Getty Center, a California mission (pick one, any one), the Reagan Library, the Cerritos Library, Olvera Street, a movie studio tour, a Dodger game....

So I guess, as summers go, we hit about 50% of what we planned. Is that okay for a summer? I don't know... Maybe it is.

Okay. I have inventoried my summer. The good, the bad, and the boring. I guess that means it's time for school to start. (As soon as we finish that book report!)

Thank you for your patience. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.